Quiet the Inner Critic - Joy Jordan

Website: https://www.bornjoy.com/

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00:02 Hi everyone, My name is Joy Jordan i'm a mindfulness teacher and I'm a big proponent of small accessible practices that can be used to bring a little bit more ease and creativity and joy to your life. That you don't need huge amounts of time to practice mindfulness you can do it in small ways. I'm glad you're here. Thank you for being here. As a first mindfulness practice notice how you are. Notice if you're comfortable where you are. Do you need to shift your posture or shift your position? Notice if you need a drink of water or you need to go to the bathroom and let yourself do that pause and let yourself do that. 

00:58 Notice if you're feeling distracted or too busy and remembering. You can pause this and come back to it at a different time. You have permission to be here. You have permission to be as you are here. 

01:21 Let your abdomen be at ease. Take a nice deep breath, and for your exhale, let it be audible, like a big sigh. 

01:36 Take in another breath, and this time, as you breathe out, act like you're blowing through a straw. 

01:46 Do that again. Breathe in through your nose and then breathe out through your mouth like you're blowing through an imaginary straw. 

02:01 One more time and through your nose and then out through that imaginary straw, just. 

02:09 Letting yourself settle. This is going to be an active practice session we will do a short guide of meditation and writing. So make sure you have pen and paper handy. Again, you can pause to go get that, it's not a rush. So have pen and paper handy. 

02:32 Before you can jumpstart your business or your creativity or your marketing or your relationships or your offerings it's really important to quiet the inner critic. We all have an inner critic and often it can be really loud in our heads and it can impede our creativity and our productivity. And so we need to quiet that inner critic. And I think we all know this intellectually, right you're all sitting there thinking, yeah, I know, I know I need to do that. 

03:06 But it's hard in practice because we just have a lot of habits you know, the critics been with us a long time we know it well. What do we replace it with if we're not going to listen to the critic anymore? 

03:20 So I'm going to speak a lot about self compassion because self compassion is how we can cultivate the coach, the mentor that can replace that critic. And self compassion has a lot of research behind it. Kristen Naff is the leading researcher on self compassion she wrote a beautiful book called Self Compassion and she studied this for decades. And from that research model, self compassion has three components. The first component is mindfulness. It's being aware. Being aware, for example, that your thoughts are spinning or your critic is loud. Being aware maybe that your body is tight, that you're feeling constrained somehow on some creative project, that you're in pain, that you're having a hard day. 

04:15 That's the mindfulness piece. The second piece of self compassion is what's called common humanity. It's that reminder that you're not alone. Everybody understands what you're feeling. One of the things that our critic does is it makes us feel alone. It tells us we're the only one. And that's just absolutely not true. Whatever you're experiencing when you're having a hard day, or the critic is loud or you make a mistake, everybody understands that it is part of being human. We're all imperfect, we're all flawed, and the common humanity gives a bigger container that the tough thing can be held in. The third piece of self compassion is kindness. 

05:04 Rather than being critical or harsh on ourselves, we have some kindness that could be as simple as taking your hand and just really gently placing it on your heart. A nice like caring touch and a phrase like you got this, you got this, honey. Whatever it may be, we're going to go through this in a meditation. The kindness could be deciding to take a walk or call a friend, or the kindness could be actually sitting down to do the work. Because self compassion doesn't mean that we're not going to be doing work anymore, that we give ourselves a break all the time. 

05:43 There's accountability to it there's honesty and kindness to self compassion and what the research shows us. The why should I do the self compassion is that people who practice self compassion with regularity are more productive and motivated. You'll actually get more done and be more motivated if you practice self compassion. You'll have more of a growth mindset. This all makes sense, right because the critic isn't going to be coming at us. Our coach, our mentor is going to be helping us with it so we might be willing to try new things and learn from them. 

06:24 And also people who practice self compassion are happier. So that's the what of self compassion and the why. And the next question is how, how the heck do we do this? And this is now where I want to guide you through a practice or I'm going to be guiding you through a meditation where you are actually going to be reflecting on something that is hard or a place that you feel stuck. And then after that meditation, you're going to shift into doing a short writing exercise. So again, make sure you have the pen and paper nearby throughout this video, you can clearly pause at any time to do what you need to do. 

07:06 It's really important rather than me just telling you about self compassion is that you experience it, you feel it in yourself. And so that's what we're going to shift to now. You can just sit as you are. You can change your posture if you want to. I've got a bell here i'm going to ring to start the meditation, and then at the end of the meditation, I'll ring it before we're heading in to the writing. 

07:37 I'll ring this three times to bring us inward to the meditation. 

08:09 If you feel comfortable with your eyes closed, I suggest you close your eyes. This is to remove the visual distractions that can bombard us. If closing your eyes doesn't feel comfortable, then simply cast your gaze downward. 

08:32 And allow yourself to settle for a moment to simply be here. 

08:40 Let your shoulders relax away from your ears. Let your abdomen be at ease. 

08:51 Relax your jaw. 

08:55 See if your hands can ease just a little bit if there's any grip in the hands, try to relax them. 

09:06 Allow your breath to flow comfortably. 

09:11 Really, this honoring that however you are right now is OK. 

09:20 You have permission to be here as you are, and for right now you're not responsible for anyone or anything. You have space to pause and reflect, 

09:38 Allow your body to breathe itself, let the breath be comfortable and easy. 

09:50 And now I want you to reflect on a situation, a recent situation that you're being hard on yourself about, that you're beating yourself up about. 

10:07 This may be a mistake you made. 

10:13Maybe it's a project that's lagging that you haven't put the energy into. 

10:22 Maybe it's something that you've meant to do for your business and haven't gotten to. 

10:30 Or it could be something in life, in relationships and everyday life, 

10:39 The first thing that comes to your mind, something you've been beating yourself up about, or where the critic is really loud. 

10:53 And I want you to bring this situation alive in your mind. Play it out. 

11:06 And then as the self compassion practice, I want you to notice as you play this out in your mind, how does your body feel? This is the mindfulness. Does your body feel tight? 

11:24 If so, where is the tightness? Where in your body can you feel this? When you're beating yourself up, 

11:37 Notice the thoughts that may pass through your mind in this situation. What thoughts come up? 

11:46 This is the mindfulness, the awareness. 

11:51 And then let's shift to the second piece, the common humanity but as we do that, I want you to intentionally relax your shoulders, let your belly be at ease, take a nice deep breath. 

12:12 The common humanity is to remember you are not alone. 

12:18 Everyone who is watching this video understands. 

12:25 We all understand what it is to make a mistake or feel painful emotions. 

12:34 Or be, or to be behind on something or to fail at something. Everyone understands that you are not alone. You are beautifully human. So see if inwardly you can create a little more space to remember you're human and imperfect. 

13:01 And that you're in community. People are with you, they understand. 

13:10 And then let's shift to the third piece, which is kindness, offering up some kindness to yourself. 

13:18 So first take your hands and place them on your opposite arms. And I want you to gently rub up and down your arms, 

13:32 Rub up and down your arms, a sense of care. You've got this, or I'm here for you. 

13:43 And then take one of your hands and gently place it on your heart you can rest the other hand wherever it feels comfortable. 

13:54 Just notice how that feels to support yourself. Hand on the heart, 

14:01 And then I'll say some phrases i'll put them in the first person just let these sink into you. 

14:10 May I be kind to myself when life is difficult. 

14:17 May I accept myself just as I am in this moment. 

14:25 May I remember my strength and practice patience. 

14:31 May I forgive myself and begin again. 

14:37 May I give myself the compassion that I so freely give to others. 

14:45 Just notice if any of those really resonate for you. 

14:51 Also notice if there's something else you really need to hear from yourself, some other word or phrase that would be helpful. 

15:03 And then I want you to shift. I want you to consider the situation freshly, situation you were just thinking about and bring in your closest friend or your closest friends. 

15:22 How would they counsel you about this. 

15:28 With honesty and kindness? What would your best friend say to you? 

15:38 How would they encourage you to move forward in this situation? 

15:49 That sense of a friend, a mentor, a coach. What would that coach, that friend say to you about this situation? 

16:05 In a moment, I'm going to ring the bell and then I'm going to have you shift to writing a letter to yourself from this perspective of a friend. 

16:28 So get your pen and paper. I'm going to share my screen here the prompt to consider one of your closest friends. And how would this person counsel you about this hard situation where you've been beating yourself up? How would they encourage you to move forward? 

16:53 I'm going to give you a couple minutes to do this right here i'm going to stay with you. I want you to just start writing now and I'll ring the bell when we're going to shift back outward. 

19:42 If you're still writing and need more time, pause this right here. Pause and keep writing. 

19:52 You're now ready to shift from that writing. I want you to notice how does it feel now in your body? Is there maybe a little bit more ease or openness or care in your body and your heart and your mind after having practiced self compassion both in the meditation and through the letter writing to get these clues for yourself that this is helpful? Even if it's just a little bit helpful, that's amazing it is a shift away from that inner critic when you have a little bit longer period of time this letter writing practice is a great practice anytime you feel stuck, you're beating yourself up. 

20:39 Take time to write yourself a letter from that perspective of a friend. But I also recognize life is busy sometimes you only have a minute to do something and what are some practices you can do everyday? Small, accessible, doable to engage self compassion. One of them is to use the second person in yourself talk. So instead of saying I, I, I, I in there, whether you're in your mind or you're actually saying it out loud, flip it to you. 

21:15 So for example, if I'm in my head and I say, oh, I always screw that thing up. For example, if I shift that to, oh, you always screw that thing up already, I start to realize oh that's harsh. So by saying you, there's some distance and I can recognize wow, that was really mean. Why am I saying that to myself? So using you in yourself talk helps to engage you as the friend, the mentor, the coach. 

21:45 So that's one thing you could try. A second thing is a language, an awareness and a language thing. If you find yourself asking, can I fill in the blank? Can I do this project? Can I launch this thing can I give this presentation, whatever it may be, I want you to add a how in front of it. How can I do the presentation, launch the launch the offering, do the project. It's more empowering. The can I, there's some doubt, how can I says we got this. 

22:23 There's some confidence, some possibility, and it's opening you up to how you're actually going to be doing it. 

22:33 Other simple practices, if the hand on the heart or the just rubbing up and down your arms was helpful, try that. You can do that and nothing else and that can be helpful. Or if there's a word or a phrase that you found helpful that I used in the meditation or you came up with, it can be as simple of you got this or we got this, a hand on the heart and some phrase can give a pause, can shut down that critic and help you engage with that inner coach or that inner nurturer. And then the last practice I'll share with you, this actually comes from Elijah Goldstein, who's a wonderful meditation teacher and he calls this the woo Hoo practice, which is just to add a little levity. 

23:16 So when you screw something up, you make a mistake or just something didn't go as you had planned, you can just say woo Hoo and you just throw your hands up. I know this seems ridiculous, but it makes you laugh. So when something like that happens, try to get to the woo Hoo, because you'll start to laugh. You won't take things so seriously. And then that helps you be more present so that you can move forward. 

23:43 You can learn from it because the critic doesn't help us learn from things, but our coach, our present kind, honest coach does help us learn from things. So those are some small doable practices that you can try. When I'm teaching my classes, I always talk about a simple three breath pause because when we're mindful, when we're aware, remember that's the first piece of self compassion. There can just be a little bit more ease, a little bit more space and choice. 

24:16 So think about a three breath pause throughout the day. Three breaths, that's it. Don't need to make it a big deal. Notice 3 breaths, create a little space and then see what's possible. Small steps, you can do this you can rewire, turn down the inner critic, bring in the inner coach you can do this. Small doable steps. Thank you so much for listening thank you for your kind attention. 

24:49 You are imperfect and you are amazing. Thank you so much. Bye bye.